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Post by Epiphany on Aug 3, 2013 14:58:00 GMT
I keep thinking about how bad the anhedonia is. And then I go on to my astrology website, read a list of transits coming up in the next year....and at 13 months-ish off, June 8th, 2014, this transit comes:
"Your personal feelings, attitudes, and ideals undergo changes now. These changes are very deep, and experiences from your early life that you have forgotten about long ago are likely to surface. You are also likely to often feel overcome with unusual feelings and have no idea why you are experiencing these feelings. A wide range of feelings, such as nostalgia, euphoria, optimism, anger, or jealousy may surface. You may even be frightened by the intensity and irrationality of your own feelings. You may repress the feelings, but this will only cause the feelings to build up with greater intensity. You must have the courage to acknowledge the feelings and have enough inner strength to allow yourself to release the feelings in a positive way and try to redirect any negative feelings in a positive manner. This is easier said than done."
Then I realize how unprepared I am for an emotional tidal wave. Posting this to look back in a year and see how true this is.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 4, 2013 15:53:51 GMT
Woke up to feeling...nothing. My brain said to me: "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HEAL MUAHAHAHAHAHAA YOU ARE FUCKED". Uggh. I wish that I could just feel again and not have to fear being a loveless, horrible, cold shell of a human being for the rest of my existence. I don't want to live like this. People put on SSRIS as teens tend to have anhedonia 4-5 years AFTER being on meds. What the hell am I supposed to do? I have no control of this. I fear missing out on my teenage life, who I am, and it's frustrating. I started crying last night.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 5, 2013 11:37:37 GMT
Woke up this morning at 1 and felt like I had the flu. I felt colder than usual, shaking, almost vomiting, and couldn't eat or else I'd get bloated. I was exactly like this before, and it prompted me going on meds. It went away upon me waking up again but I felt like not getting out of bed. I still want to not get out of bed. The anhedonia is attacking my mind.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 6, 2013 0:37:33 GMT
Watched a video that didn't make me feel deep emotion but brought a tear to my eye because of how horribly sad it was. Then I listened to my iPod, a song came up about drugs, and my first thought was, "NOPE!", otherwise I might begin to cry. So I shut it off. Might this actually be happening?
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alex
New Member
Posts: 30
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Post by alex on Aug 6, 2013 19:00:47 GMT
Heeelloooo...! I am wating for your Poetry Camp update...
Hugs, A.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 6, 2013 22:46:25 GMT
Oh hi there Alex! Poetry camp went well today, despite feeling anxiety toward the end of it. I was beginning to have a blunted panic attack, but it was fun and funny. Now I just do not feel right, sore and outside of myself, unable to breathe nasally, some sadness mixed in there, I'm sick of it.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 7, 2013 15:28:35 GMT
Awesome stuff to report today. While listening to an isochronic tone called 'Alpha' for just 10 seconds, I noticed a mild lift in anhedonia, as will as a mild lift in PSSD [more sensation ]. Brain zaps were gone. I think it's because Isotones are really powerful, so powerful that they do not require headphones to work [unlike it's friend, binaural beats, which DO require headphones to work] and there is only 1 tone going with an isotone as opposed to 2 with binaural beats. I even had a lucid dream once with their lucid dream tone years ago.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 9, 2013 18:43:32 GMT
Hello everyone. Well, I'm back to this anhedonic slop of shit I've become, stuck in the immense and seething rut of emotionless days that never get better and crying jags that make the minutes seem like years and the overall world presenting me a glimpse into who I was but from a distance. Sometimes I wish I was never born.
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Post by petu on Aug 11, 2013 1:29:10 GMT
I'm sorry you are still struggling with anhedonia, wish there was something I could do to make it end, but I think we just have to do the best we can to get through these symptoms until they go. I'm also in a bad wave at the moment with shaking, going hot and cold, anxiety and feelings of dread. I hope you have a window soon.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 11, 2013 17:47:14 GMT
I haven't had a window since this whole thing started and doubt I will get one soon, unfortunately. Especially since this has persisted for almost 5 months. I hate my life!
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alex
New Member
Posts: 30
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Post by alex on Aug 12, 2013 18:12:54 GMT
Hello E, don't say you hate your life.....because every word that comes out of your mouth, believe or not, will influence your state of mind. You have to ACCEPT this process, knowing that you will come out of it a better, stronger,wiser person. Did you read Nadia's post on SA? She was on AD for 14 years!! and she is doing a lot better now. Time, my sweet child;give time.
From the steaming jungles of Central America (some US president said that) sending healing vibes.
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Post by Epiphany on Aug 12, 2013 23:59:00 GMT
I just read that post. Made me smile. And thank you. I just hate the way it became. You just reminded me of Guns n' Roses- "Oh...oh wow sweet child of mine......" Great song. Poetry slam tomorrow. Feeling tired and a bit disoriented, even dehydrated. Have a vitamin water here.
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